EARLY IN MY CAREER I came up with a humorous
approach for dealing with minor violations of classroom decorum.
I realized essay punishments could be humorous
and effective.
In most cases, I wanted kids to quit
goofing around or talking too much. No sense treating breaches of etiquette
like criminal infractions. I could just stick them with a 150-word essay as a simple
reminder. Making it comical allowed peers to share a laugh and showed students
you wanted to have fun in class, while still expecting them to abide by the
rules. When Kayla was tardy too often, I had her write about how she became a
fashion icon by inventing concrete shoes. On another occasion, Josh seemed to
be writing a love note instead of doing his assigned reading. I had him write
an essay about falling asleep in class and getting his history book stuck to
his face for a week.
As you might expect, he explained in his essay
how his rare affliction made it impossible to flirt with the girl of his
dreams.
One day, Angie got in trouble for some minor
matter. I had her write: “I Collect Belly Button Lint for a
Hobby.” Angie didn’t stop at 150 words. She was a collector in the
truest sense. Her essay filled five pages. She had lint from actors, from
every president in the last twenty years, and dreamed of finding the Holy Grail
of lint—from the button of Elvis Presley (assuming Elvis was still alive).
IN MOST CASES punishment fit the “crime.”
One day, Rob came flying through my door, with a friend in hot
pursuit. Before I could tell them to slow down Rob tripped and
somersaulted across the linoleum. He dusted himself off without injury,
but I made Rob write about his life as “The Human Cannonball.”
Wendy R. (a straight-A student) had to write an
essay after laughing once too often and disturbing class. I forget the
title; but she pinpointed her friend Wendy M. as the source of her
difficulties
“At times Wendy’s nostrils will go in and out as if they were controlled by a motor.” That was her reason for laughing.
“At times Wendy’s nostrils will go in and out as if they were controlled by a motor.” That was her reason for laughing.
Max tended to turn around too often and talk to
friends. One day I grew tired of viewing the back of his head.
I had him write about having a giant
tongue. In his essay he called Landon, the friend who had lured him into
sin, to inform him of his tragic condition. The essay followed the
conventions of a popular Budweiser beer advertisement:
“Hello.” [Landon answers.]
“Wattttttttthhhhhuuuup!!!”
“Hey, man. I would
finish the lines in the commercial but I just gotta ask. What’s wrong with
your voice?”
“Miy tung.”
“What?”
“Miy tung iz big,” I said
angrily.
“Oh, I see.
“Wat sod I du?”
“Gee, got me.”
“Tanks, yor no hep.”
Then I hung up…..
ONE LAST EXAMPLE deserves mention. One day a
young man got in trouble for talking during detention. I asked him to write
“The Life of a Cucumber.”
His story began: “I started out the first
part of my life in a little cold plastic bag. The bag sat on a shelf in
the store, for a long time before some one decided to buy the bag of seeds.”
This essay was not particularly funny, but
carried the name of the author, Brian ----. Only Brian’s handwriting was
surprisingly good.
Normally, Brian’s handwriting was
abominable.
I still have my notes describing the
incident: “Caught Brian ---- lying today because his mother wrote his
punishment essay. Brian claimed, in declining order:
1) he wrote it; she
corrected it
2) okay, no, mom wrote
part
3) well, yes, she wrote it
all
I called Mrs. ---- that evening and she offered lame
defense: “I don’t see anything wrong with a mother helping a child.”
“Nor do I,” I responded. “But you weren’t
helping. You did the essay for him and let him off his punishment entirely.”
I told her Brian would have to write a different
essay entirely; but if it had been in my power I would have given her a topic
all her own to complete: “What Happens to a Boy when Mom is an Enabler?”
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If you found this useful
you might also enjoy: The Best Seating Chart Ever. That post also deals with discipline and a dose of humor.
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| Angie was in search of the Holy Grail of Lint. |
