Donald Trump's Brilliant, Really Good Tax Plan!

“It’s going to be yuge,” Donald Trump told Sean Hannity’s on Fox News last night. His tax plan, he meant, not his ego. Trump promised as president he would change the United States tax code.

“I have the best plan. The best. I mean, who better to fix the tax code than the guy who pays no taxes whatsoever?” 

“Make sense to me,” Hannity agreed, like a fair-and-balanced version of a ventriloquist dummy, only with better hair.

Trump paused a moment before admitting fat Americans would see taxes increase. “Rosie O’Donnell is going to pay. Bigly,” he sneered.

“Can you believe it,” Trump continued. “People believe I called Alicia Machado, that beauty queen, ‘Miss Piggy.’ I don’t insult people. Sniff. Probably, a bunch of Mexican rapists spread that lie. Or reporters, the lowest form of life. Sniff. Or that Gold Star family, who, and I am not saying this, but many people are saying this, the father is a supporter of ISIS. I would never say anything insulting about a beauty queen. Maybe if she had a face like Carly Fiorina, I might insult her.” Sniff.

“I know you don’t insult people, Donald,” Hannity agreed.

“We’re going to make America great again! So great! My face will be on Mount Rushmore,” Trump explained. “Naturally, it will be gold. I am going to create so many jobs, more than any president in history, more than all the other forty-three combined. I have a really good brain. You know who my three top advisers are?”

Hannity looked perplexed.

“Me, myself and I,” The Donald continued. “I don’t count Obama as one of our presidents, of course. He was never really president. He was born in Hawaii. I think that might be the capital of Kenjah.”

Hannity grinned vapidly and ran a hand through his thickly-gelled hair.

“Here’s my plan,” Trump said. “Billionaires and multi-millionaires will pay no taxes! Not a penny. David and Charles Koch? The Walton family? Zero. I will pay zero. Well, I already do, so that’s no yuge change. Sheldon Adelson will pay zero. That way he can keep donating tens of millions of dollars to GOP politicians to make sure they keep passing tax breaks along to make sure people like us never pay taxes. That lady who jacked up the price of the Epipen—needed to save children’s lives—by 700%? Zero taxes! Think of the jobs she created for emergency room nurses!”

“Brilliant, Donald,” Hannity agreed.

“I am a great businessman, the greatest ever, greater than Martin Shkreli, Ken Lay and Bernie Madoff rolled into one. I created bazillions of jobs, at least in years when I’m wasn’t losing $916 million dollars, or years when I wasn’t declaring bankruptcy four times. Have I mentioned how smart I am?”

“I don’t think you have,” Hannity replied.

“Obama!” Trump spit out the name and grimaced like a man having a difficult bowel movement. “We are going to grow the economy by 10% annually. True, restaurants are going to get rid of unattractive women. But those 2’s and 4’s can work in telemarketing, so I won’t have to look at their ugly faces. All women who work in my White House will be 10’s! Did I mention my plan will create 25 million jobs! In a decade! That’s almost ten years! I am going to make America great again.”

Hannity had just seen Bureau of Labor statistics that showed President Obama had been creating jobs at that same exact pace, 2.46 million annually since 2011; but he decided not to mention it to Fox News viewers. 

He didn’t want them to have to think.

“I’m going to use other people’s money,” Trump assured his host. “The money of the America people! The art of the deal! Just like when I was stiffing thousands of workers and companies who had done business with me. Just like Trump University which no longer exists. The super-rich won’t pay taxes. Then they can use the money they don’t pay to hire workers, often at minimum wage, and those workers will pay more taxes, and there you go. Federal budget deficit solved!”

“Genius,” Hannity smiled.

“You know who else won’t be paying taxes? Rupert Murdoch! The top twenty-five hedge fund managers who took home a combined $13 billion last year! And John G. Stumpf, who runs Wells Fargo. That guy is a job-creating machine. That’s exactly what we need in America. Business people should run everything, including the schools. As president I will make Stumpf my Secretary of Treasury.”

A good-looking female intern interrupted the telecast briefly and handed Mr. Hannity a memo.

“That’s a ‘10’ there,” Trump leered as she left. “Boy, if Roger Ailes was still here, he’d be hitting that. Great guy, Ailes. Got yuge TV ratings. He’s advising my campaign, helping win the woman vote back.”

Trump continued. “I am going to use the taxes paid by hotel maids—probably illegal immigrants—hair dressers, bus drivers, auto mechanics, secretaries—hopefully really hot ones—farmers and factory workers and make America great again. Do you know we don’t win anymore in this country, Sean? We haven’t won any wars since George Washington beat the redcoats at Gettysburg.”

Again, Hannity merely grinned.

“By not paying taxes—well, my plan will be the greatest,” Trump insisted. “Billionaires will use the savings to pay for expensive paintings and fancy cars and and gold-plated sinks. This will create jobs for artists, workers in Ferrari plants and gold-plating workers. And those workers won’t belong to unions, either, because wages in this country are already too high. My three top advisers all say I’m right. When one of us talks the others nod in agreement. ‘That guy is the smartest!’ that’s what we say to ourselves.”

Hannity continued to grin; he was doing his usual job.

“I am really smart,” Trump added. “I have stamina. Stamina that Crooked Hillary could never have. I can stay up till 3:00 a.m., flailing away on Twitter, and looking at sex tapes. I will be the best president ever. Melania says I will. All my children from my three marriages agree. I am going to appoint Ivanka as Secretary of State. I am going to make my sons generals. Even the youngest, who is ten.”

“Won’t people protest?” Hannity finally asked. Hannity prides himself on asking tough questions, after all.

“Not when I am president. I will order guards to punch them in the face. I will create jobs by having more guards. You know who is a strong leader! Vladimir Putin! That guy is better than Obama. He invaded Crimea. His pals shot down a civilian airplane with 298 people aboard, including 80 children. That’s strong leadership there! And my guards will wear brown shirts—creating jobs in the garment industry, even if those jobs are located in Bangladesh. I will create more jobs for torturers because we are going to torture suspects in terrorism cases, including American citizens, especially Muslim American citizens, and make America great again. I have a plan to defeat ISIS. I can’t tell you what it is but it will only take, like, fifteen minutes. Once I am in the Oval Office, we will begin sending American citizens to Guantanamo to stand military trial. We are going to stop and frisk African Americans in every corner of the land, because they want law and order and we have to protect the Second Amendment, but the Fifth, not so much.”

“Aren’t you worried,” Hannity wondered, “that if you don’t pay taxes ordinary Americans might ask why they have to pay themselves?”

“They’ll never know. I’m not releasing my taxes! I have a yuge brain. We let the not-smart people pay. Firefighters can pay taxes to support police, police can pay taxes to support soldiers, soldiers can pay taxes to support teachers, teachers can pay taxes to support police. This is called trickle-down economics and it always works great. Everyone is better off in the end, especially the top 1%.”

“Do you have a name for your plan?” Hannity asked as he brought his nightly show to a merciful end.

Trump said he did.

“I call it the Trump-Chump’s-Pay-Taxes-Tax Plan. And it comes with free Trump hats for all.”

Vote for Trump. You'll pay taxes. Billionaires won't.