Far-Right Conservatives Invent New Language: Part 2

God said, "Let there be
conservatives."
And, lo, there was Sean Hannity.

IT'S NO SURPRISE, FAR-RIGHT TYPES are hiding under the covers as the 2012 election approaches. After all, they're terribly afraid. They're afraid that gay people want to join them under those covers. They've been listening to Fox News (fair-and-balanced!) and know in their hearts that President Obama is a Muslim. They think liberals want to take away their guns and ammunition and make them carry daisies for personal protection. And they know Nazis intend to foist health care upon unsuspecting, uninsured Americans.

In fact, our foes on the right bend terms so thoroughly these days, if you're a liberal, it can be downright confusing, because it seems the Far-Right is making stuff up, like they can't tell the difference between a liberal, a socialist and a podiatrist.

It's time, then, for a second installment of Far-Right lexicon, where I explain conservative terms and definitions:

Creationism:  on the first day God created the heavens and the earth. On the second day He made the Founding Fathers, on the third day Rush Limbaugh, on the fourth automatic weapons and the right to bear arms. On the fifth day He created gay people, which you could say was His mistake, and maybe He ought to own up to it, but did at least give His conservative creatures someone they might fear and hate and persecute when life got boring. On the sixth day he created real Americans (see below; see also Far-Right Conservatives Invent New Language, Part 1) and traditional marriage.

Then He took the next day off.

Garden of Eden: where Adam and Eve lived, after God finished His labors, and Nature was pure and clean, but not so clean that the the first woman couldn't exclaim, "Drill, baby, drill."

Defense of Marriage Act: where God defined marriage as between one man and one woman, which was kind of confusing, since Adam and Eve had only sons. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy 21:15, where God gives advice on how a man with two wives should handle family dissension. Nor to be confused with Judges 8:30, where Gideon has seventy-one sons, many wives, and enjoys the favors of a concubine for good measure. No Steve and Steve, see. Just Adam and Eve, and Eve and Eve and Eve....

Sermon on the Mount: when Jesus blasted food stamps as a "government giveaway" and insisted Paul Ryan was his homeboy, because Congressman Ryan had a deficit reduction plan that both protected the rights of downtrodden millionaires and denied health care coverage to cripples and lepers.

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God: Biblical admonition against closing tax loopholes for camel herders and Big Oil companies.

IT'S NOT JUST RELIGIOUS TERMS that now confuse. This was made clear when Richard Mourdock, an Indiana Tea Party stalwart, who took out Dick Lugar in the Republican Senate primary in that state, spoke with reporters at Fox News. Murdock was asked to comment on his idea of bipartisanship. Mourdock replied, like a politician who had jut ingested hallucinogenic drugs:   "I have the mind-set that says bipartisanship ought to consist of Democrats coming to the Republican point of view."

So, we have:

bipartisanship: when labor unions are dead forever, and Big Coal companies, for example, are no longer bothered by government regulations, including stupid rules to protect drinking water, which commies and liberals want to fluoridate in any case. Safety rules will also be repealed, so that workers killed by buildup of explosive gasses or cave-ins are dead, like unions, and coal barons earn massive tax credits for creating jobs; as in, when workers are killed by gas or cave-ins (see: right to work law, below).

Dream Act: the dream that every Mormon multimillionaire with really good hair, running for president, can have his own illegal-immigrant gardener, while simultaneously assuring Fox News viewers (also called real Americans, below) that he intends to "secure America's borders" if elected. Securing the border will apparently keep out waves of gardeners armed with rakes and hedge trimmers.

stand your ground law: a well regulated militia being necessary to protect Sarah Palin from the lamestream media, the individual's right to carry a gun into a Victoria's Secret fashion show shall in no way be infringed, since the Founding Fathers meant for everyone to have the right to gun down home invaders, including Jehovah's Witnesses who ring doorbells on Saturday mornings.

right to work law: passed with the support of campaign donations from huge corporations, who are actually people--as Mitt Romney tells us, when he's not talking about trees in Michigan being just the right height. When billionaires party, sometimes jokingly referred to as:  the "right to work for less law." This legislation protects the right of non-union workers to earn $729 per week on average vs. $938 for unionized workers.

War on Christmas: when the average non-union worker begins to get restless because his paycheck doesn't allow him to buy as many presents as he was hoping, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity fill his head with scary, end-times warnings that secular humanists want to deny his children the right to say, "Merry Christmas" to teachers and deny him, the happy non-union worker, the right to put up festive holiday decorations.

tree hugger:  when a conservative hugs a tree which is exactly the right height, as Mr. Romney puts it. That is:  when the tree is a stump.

tax increase: what conservatives protect the average worker from, because nothing says, "We love the average worker," like low-paying jobs with no health insurance. This means the average worker, who is safe from being forced to join a union, and makes on average $10,972 less per year, is protected from paying $7 extra in weekly payroll taxes and $500 in annual union dues. In return the average worker votes to support the interests of millionaires and billionaires, who are, really, almost personal friends, like drinking buddies, people who still say, "Merry Christmas," too, only way, way richer.

socialism: the idea that raising taxes 3% on top wage earners (say, the hedge fund manager who earned a $1.2 million bonus in 2012) will reduce the deficit, when in fact conservatives are way too smart to fall for that trick and know any attempt to raise taxes will end with the liberties of real Americans (see below) squashed like cockroaches. So, when you really think about it, the top 1% are altruistic heroes.

deficit reduction: the idea that you cannot raise taxes on Albert Pujols or said hedge fund manager, or Joe Ricketts, billionaire owner of the Chicago Cubs, who wants to spend $10 million dollars of his own money to warn you that President Obama is intent on raising your taxes and squashing your freedoms. (See: socialism, above); but cutting three teacher's jobs, because each makes $36,000 per year, will cut the deficit, which is killing this nation, the greatest in the world, and now those unemployed teachers can go to work at Wal-Mart and you can save the economy and create more jobs in the long run and thank god billionaires are looking out for what is really in the workers' best interests.

real American: anyone who watches Fox News religiously (and we do mean, religiously), who mistakes Bill O'Reilly for an honest-to-god Biblical prophet; also, anyone who believes there really is a War on Christmas (see above), and thinks liberals want to kill and eat the Easter Bunny.

auto bailout:  the attempt, by President Obama, to introduce socialism, communism and botulism in America; not be be confused with capitalism, which is perfect and good and what God intended, and what Jesus was preaching about, and what Joe Ricketts wants to protect when he pours $10 million of his own money into a slimy advertising campaign to defeat President Obama, who wants to raise taxes, while simultaneously asking city and state government to raise taxes to pay for tens of millions of dollars in improvements to his very own Wrigley Field.

At any rate, as far as I can tell, that's what Far-Right conservatives are really saying. And if I can be of service, and bring liberals and conservatives closer together, so that we all use Webster's Dictionary again, I am happy to have done my civic duty as a good American.