Friday, May 18, 2012

Far-Right Conservatives Invent New Language: Part 2

God said, "Let there be
And, lo, there was Sean Hannity.
IT'S NO SURPRISE, FAR-RIGHT TYPES are hiding under the covers as the 2012 election approaches. After all, they're terribly afraid. They're afraid that gay people want to join them under those covers. They've been listening to Fox News (fair-and-balanced!) and know in their hearts that President Obama is a Muslim. They think liberals want to take away their guns and ammunition and make them carry daisies for personal protection. And they know Nazis intend to foist health care upon unsuspecting, uninsured Americans.

In fact, our foes on the right bend terms so thoroughly these days, if you're a liberal, it can be downright confusing, because it seems the Far-Right is making stuff up, like they can't tell the difference between a liberal, a socialist and a podiatrist.

It's time, then, for a second installment of Far-Right lexicon, where I explain conservative terms and definitions:

Creationism:  on the first day God created the heavens and the earth. On the second day He made the Founding Fathers, on the third day Rush Limbaugh, on the fourth automatic weapons and the right to bear arms. On the fifth day He created gay people, which you could say was His mistake, and maybe He ought to own up to it, but did at least give His conservative creatures someone they might fear and hate and persecute when life got boring. On the sixth day he created real Americans (see below; see also Far-Right Conservatives Invent New Language, Part 1) and traditional marriage.

Then He took the next day off.

Garden of Eden: where Adam and Eve lived, after God finished His labors, and Nature was pure and clean, but not so clean that the the first woman couldn't exclaim, "Drill, baby, drill."

Defense of Marriage Act: where God defined marriage as between one man and one woman, which was kind of confusing, since Adam and Eve had only sons. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy 21:15, where God gives advice on how a man with two wives should handle family dissension. Nor to be confused with Judges 8:30, where Gideon has seventy-one sons, many wives, and enjoys the favors of a concubine for good measure. No Steve and Steve, see. Just Adam and Eve, and Eve and Eve and Eve....

Sermon on the Mount: when Jesus blasted food stamps as a "government giveaway" and insisted Paul Ryan was his homeboy, because Congressman Ryan had a deficit reduction plan that both protected the rights of downtrodden millionaires and denied health care coverage to cripples and lepers.

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God: Biblical admonition against closing tax loopholes for camel herders and Big Oil companies.

IT'S NOT JUST RELIGIOUS TERMS that now confuse. This was made clear when Richard Mourdock, an Indiana Tea Party stalwart, who took out Dick Lugar in the Republican Senate primary in that state, spoke with reporters at Fox News. Murdock was asked to comment on his idea of bipartisanship. Mourdock replied, like a politician who had jut ingested hallucinogenic drugs:   "I have the mind-set that says bipartisanship ought to consist of Democrats coming to the Republican point of view."

So, we have:

bipartisanship: when labor unions are dead forever, and Big Coal companies, for example, are no longer bothered by government regulations, including stupid rules to protect drinking water, which commies and liberals want to fluoridate in any case. Safety rules will also be repealed, so that workers killed by buildup of explosive gasses or cave-ins are dead, like unions, and coal barons earn massive tax credits for creating jobs; as in, when workers are killed by gas or cave-ins (see: right to work law, below).

Dream Act: the dream that every Mormon multimillionaire with really good hair, running for president, can have his own illegal-immigrant gardener, while simultaneously assuring Fox News viewers (also called real Americans, below) that he intends to "secure America's borders" if elected. Securing the border will apparently keep out waves of gardeners armed with rakes and hedge trimmers.

stand your ground law: a well regulated militia being necessary to protect Sarah Palin from the lamestream media, the individual's right to carry a gun into a Victoria's Secret fashion show shall in no way be infringed, since the Founding Fathers meant for everyone to have the right to gun down home invaders, including Jehovah's Witnesses who ring doorbells on Saturday mornings.

right to work law: passed with the support of campaign donations from huge corporations, who are actually people--as Mitt Romney tells us, when he's not talking about trees in Michigan being just the right height. When billionaires party, sometimes jokingly referred to as:  the "right to work for less law." This legislation protects the right of non-union workers to earn $729 per week on average vs. $938 for unionized workers.

War on Christmas: when the average non-union worker begins to get restless because his paycheck doesn't allow him to buy as many presents as he was hoping, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity fill his head with scary, end-times warnings that secular humanists want to deny his children the right to say, "Merry Christmas" to teachers and deny him, the happy non-union worker, the right to put up festive holiday decorations.

tree hugger:  when a conservative hugs a tree which is exactly the right height, as Mr. Romney puts it. That is:  when the tree is a stump.

tax increase: what conservatives protect the average worker from, because nothing says, "We love the average worker," like low-paying jobs with no health insurance. This means the average worker, who is safe from being forced to join a union, and makes on average $10,972 less per year, is protected from paying $7 extra in weekly payroll taxes and $500 in annual union dues. In return the average worker votes to support the interests of millionaires and billionaires, who are, really, almost personal friends, like drinking buddies, people who still say, "Merry Christmas," too, only way, way richer.

socialism: the idea that raising taxes 3% on top wage earners (say, the hedge fund manager who earned a $1.2 million bonus in 2012) will reduce the deficit, when in fact conservatives are way too smart to fall for that trick and know any attempt to raise taxes will end with the liberties of real Americans (see below) squashed like cockroaches. So, when you really think about it, the top 1% are altruistic heroes.

deficit reduction: the idea that you cannot raise taxes on Albert Pujols or said hedge fund manager, or Joe Ricketts, billionaire owner of the Chicago Cubs, who wants to spend $10 million dollars of his own money to warn you that President Obama is intent on raising your taxes and squashing your freedoms. (See: socialism, above); but cutting three teacher's jobs, because each makes $36,000 per year, will cut the deficit, which is killing this nation, the greatest in the world, and now those unemployed teachers can go to work at Wal-Mart and you can save the economy and create more jobs in the long run and thank god billionaires are looking out for what is really in the workers' best interests.

real American: anyone who watches Fox News religiously (and we do mean, religiously), who mistakes Bill O'Reilly for an honest-to-god Biblical prophet; also, anyone who believes there really is a War on Christmas (see above), and thinks liberals want to kill and eat the Easter Bunny.

auto bailout:  the attempt, by President Obama, to introduce socialism, communism and botulism in America; not be be confused with capitalism, which is perfect and good and what God intended, and what Jesus was preaching about, and what Joe Ricketts wants to protect when he pours $10 million of his own money into a slimy advertising campaign to defeat President Obama, who wants to raise taxes, while simultaneously asking city and state government to raise taxes to pay for tens of millions of dollars in improvements to his very own Wrigley Field.

At any rate, as far as I can tell, that's what Far-Right conservatives are really saying. And if I can be of service, and bring liberals and conservatives closer together, so that we all use Webster's Dictionary again, I am happy to have done my civic duty as a good American.


  1. That's great! Thanks. M. Innis.

  2. The bible stated that they also had numerous other sons and daughters. But besides that, rest is great.

  3. The Bible also mentions Cain marrying a girl from another tribe, so Adam and Eve weren't the only humans around either. Funny article, though, and all too true, much to my chagrin.

  4. Should be required reading for all...

  5. This is plagiarized from

    1. Hey, Matt D., I wrote that post, too. I wanted to clean it up and improve on it. I thought my first version was too wordy. Glad you noticed the similarity. (I'm hoping will use this permutation starting tomorrow.)

  6. As a retired teacher, I must admit all of the above seem fairly correct. Although my part time job while still teaching was at K-mart rather than Wal-mart. (I refuse to shop in K-mart anymore after witnessing how badly they treated all their minimum wage employees.) Most of the unemployed teachers I know are now training to work as truck drivers.

    I now work as a bilingual health and safety instructor in the cherry harvest. All of my workers speak Spanish. In the last four years, I've only seen one ENGLISH ONLY worker make it through an entire season. {Even though he couldn't keep up with the other workers, he just kept coming to work. So, my boss took pity on him and gave him an easy job helping out at the fruit stand instead of picking.}
    I've got the other easy job. I just carry a clipboard and a pencil. I have to make sure all the workers are documented and following the health and safety regulations.

    If my workers are stealing jobs from "Good Americans", all they have to do is come on out to the fields. I'm 50 workers short at the moment. But, they'd better hurry. The season only lasts about ten days. Then, the workers will migrated north to harvest other crops with other farmers who are also looking for workers. {By the way, my workers are averaging between $25-$30 an hour doing piece work. Those who can't make minimum wage doing piece work, we pay $8.25 an hour. So, far the local employment office hasn't been able to find us any workers.}

  7. If Governors like John Kasich, here in Ohio, Scott Walker in Wisconsin, Rick Scott in Florida and Chris Christie in New Jersey, and the boys and girls at Fox News have their way and teachers' unions are destroyed, maybe teachers can pick the next harvest.

  8. Apparently you don't understand that Bill O'Reilly supports unions. You're not the only teacher who is paralyzed into the leftist thinking. Why do you need a union if you prove yourself as an individual, and prove your OWN performance, and not as a collective group?

  9. I'm going to make this the last time I bother responding. Union workers, in this country, make on average $10,067 dollars a year more, because unions give them group bargaining power.

    I'll say it one last time: if you will pay postage and copying fees, I'll send you a few hundred letters from my former students. Then you can judge my teaching. And I'll say this again, because I'm starting to feel very sorry for you: what I think and say now didn't affect my teaching. I'm not sure in 33 years I ever told a student they were wrong when it came to opinion. That wasn't my job, see? See??????????

  10. Ripping off the taxpayers clearly was a part of your job though.

    1. You saw me teach? Take your delusions elsewhere, sir.

    2. "Clearly." I do not think that means what you think it means. In your vocabulary, does ripping off the taxpayers mean going to work every day and doing your job? Does it mean having opinions outside the classroom that you happen to disagree with? Does it mean presenting an argument that you can find no way to disagree with besides an ad hominem attack? Because if any of those things are true, CLEARLY -- you are making a fool of yourself.

  11. Guess who's paying for your retirement, sir. It's interesting to read the views of the blogs of conservative teachers that contrast greatly with your perspective. As if every taxpayer must 'visually see' someone teaching to understand that the system itself is a failure. My observations are no more delusions than your very own high delusions of your work.

  12. You may be a fine person, but your perspective is very far left, but very typical of some teachers.

    1. I'm going to start deleting your comments because, frankly, you're getting boring.

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