Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Wants to be President of Oligarchistan

ONCE AGAIN THE INIMITABLE MITT ROMNEY has stepped into political "doo" of his own doo-doing. As you probably know he was caught on video tape explaining at a fund-raising dinner how much he wants to be president. Just not necessarily President of the United States.

Romney wants to be ruler of Oligarchistan.

Listen to this poor stuffed suit speak and you know he's not ready to be leader of the Free World. Maybe the Super Rich Free World. But not the Free World as we know it.

In fact, listen closely, and it's not even clear that Mitt is safe to go out in the streets and play by himself. The full video is now available online; but here are a few highlights. I have taken the liberty of inserting a regular person's interpretation of what Romney really meant. [See brackets].

The section of his speech that has garnered the most attention:

"There are 47% of the people who will vote for the president no matter what." [We want to convince angry, white voters these people are all lazy blacks on welfare. We won't mention that only 9% of the U. S. population is African American.]

"Alright, there are 47% who are with him, who are dependent on government, who believe they are victims, who believe government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That, that's an entitlement, and the government should give it to them." [Don't all you wealthy donors sitting, uh, here, don't you get angry knowing you're paying taxes so hungry children can eat thanks to food stamps? And, uh, why should we worry about dirty street urchins? Dig in to your fillet mignon and after desert we'll talk about tax shelters in the Cayman Islands.]

"And they will vote for this president no matter what." [They're stupid, see, and we can sit here and feel smug because we're better than them. I can't say that in public, though, because it will make me look like a conceited ass.]

"And I mean the president starts off with 48, 49...he starts off with a huge number. These are the people who pay no income tax." [Guy making $10 an hour. He's piling up the dough, like $21,000 a year. And, and, he won't pay his share? Well, if he can't save enough for college he can borrow from his parents--like almost all of us in this room of privileged elites did. Or he can join the Marines and go to Afghanistan and if he comes back in one piece he can use G. I. Bill benefits. Our kids would do the same, because we taught them responsibility; but they didn't need the money and didn't serve.]

"Forty seven percent of Americans pay no income tax. So our message of low taxes doesn't connect." [In fact, 8% of workers are out of jobs because the last Republican administration crashed the economy; and now these people want us to keep paying unemployment until they actually find, uh, real work].

"So he'll be out there talking about tax cuts for the rich. I mean, that's what they sell every four years." [Of course, since the freeloading 47% don't pay taxes, President Obama will be correct; the only people who are going to gain under my economic plan are people like us.]

"And so, my job is not to worry about those people." [Because, really, we don't care about them. Those homeless veterans. I'm not a homeless veteran. I'm not a veteran at all, because when they were serving their country, I was doing missionary work in France. In 1968, I was busy spreading the gospel of Jesus. 'Love your neighbor' and stuff.]

"I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives." [Those elderly folks on fixed incomes. They don't pay a dime and sit around crying about being victims of aging and dementia and want free health care. And those irresponsible homeless kids. I mean, come on two-year-olds! Suck it up and lift yourselves out of poverty!]

LATER, MITT EXPLAINS the facts of Romney Life:

"Ninety-five percent of life is set up for you if you were born in this country." [See, I grew up in a beautiful home, with a supportive family. I was born smart and attended an elite private school and got to go to college. I used my family name to start Bain Capital. So I never come within a hundred miles of a poor person, if I can avoid it, and that's why this dinner is such a pleasure, because I am here among 'my people,' the fantastically rich.]

"And, I remember going to, ah, uh. Sorry to bore you with stories. When I was back in my private equity days, we went to China to buy a factory there. It employed about 20,000 people. And they were almost all young women between the ages of about 18 and 22 or 23. They were saving for potentially becoming married. And they were in these huge factories, they made various, uh, small appliances." [Ha, ha, "Buy American!" No, no, I'm just kidding.]

"And, uh, we were walking through this facility, seeing them work, the number of hours they worked per day, the pittance they earned, living in dormitories, with, uh, with little bathrooms at the end of maybe 10, 10 room, rooms. And the rooms they have 12 girls per room." [And our first reaction--really, our only reaction--was holy crap, we can pay these girls nothing and make a killing--and then we can hire accountants and lawyers to cut our tax rates down to, like, 14%.]

"Three bunks on top of each other. You've seen you've seen them." [They used to call this kind of factory a 'sweatshop' and these kind of living arrangements 'serfdom.' But this the Romney Plan in action. Low wages for workers. High profits for corporations. More money for us in this room! Because having a personal fortune of $250 million is never enough.]

(Someone in the audience: "Oh...yeah, yeah.")

"And, and, and around this factory was a fence, a huge fence with barbed wire and guard towers. And, and, we said Gosh! I can't believe that you, you keep these girls in! They said, no, no, no. This is to keep other people from coming in. Because people want so badly to come work in this factory that we have to keep them out. Or they will just come in here and start working and, and try and get compensated. So we, this is to keep people out." [I think you can tell right there, by the way, that I am ready to lead this great nation and stand up to China. I've heard their government arrests anyone who uses the Internet to complain. But we're talking money, here, not human rights and dignity. And if I understand one thing in this world, it's not people, not even Americans. It's money. I'm Mitt Moneybags. Vote for me!]

"And they said, actually Chinese New Year as the girls go home, sometimes they decide they've saved enough money and they don't come back to the factory. And he said, So on the weekend after Chinese New Year there will be a line of people hundreds long, outside the factory, hoping that some girls don't come back. And they can come to the factory." [Can you believe how these crony capitalists pile up fortunes within a corrupt communist system? I admit it:  I was impressed.]

"And, and so as we were experiencing this for the first time, going to see a factory like this in China some years ago. The Bain Partner I was with turned to me and said, You know, ninety-five percent of life is settled if you are born in America. This is, uh, this is an amazing land and what we have is unique and fortunately it is so special we are sharing it with the world. There's the perception that, Oh you were born with a silver spoon, you never had to earn anything and so forth. And, uh, frankly, I was born with a silver spoon." [That's right. I had it pretty much made from the moment I snuggled under the covers in my first bassinet. That's why I say things like, 'Well, I didn't make much last year giving speeches, only $374,000.' I don't hang around with the divorced mother of three, earning $36,000 and trying to insure her kids have a better future and maybe she gets her kids on reduced price school lunches.

Nope, I only hang out with folks who have money to buy show horses. I have the show-horse-owner demographic sewed up.]

"My heritage...My Dad as you probably know was the Governor of Michigan and was the head of a car company. But he was born in Mexico. And, uh, had he been born of Mexican parents I'd have a better shot at winning this. But unfortunately, he was born to American parents living in Mexico." [I won't mention his Mormon roots, because many of the voters I'm pandering to by trying to conjure up an image of dark-skinned welfare cheats, would react just as emotionally against me if reminded of my religious beliefs.]

"He lived there for a number of years. And, uh, uh, I say that jokingly but it would be helpful to be...uh, Latino." [But we know, sitting here now, that a huge chunk of that 47% we don't like is Latino, uh. And. Uh. We're having trouble figuring out how to win their votes, and it's hard, you know, because sometimes when I speak I sound like a giant douche bag.]

(Chuckles, laughter from the audience.)

Mitt can relate. He can feel your pain.
It's tough, sometimes, counting all your millions.

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